So much SunShine, so little time #SunShinyGrit

today was a big day for me.  i tried to explain the big revelation of mine to phil, but im pretty sure i didn't make any sense.  Pretty sure it came out sounding like, "word, word, word".  I got a head nod, but the look in his eyes were saying something different.

so, this is is the scoop.  ups and downs of this illness has brought me to yet again, an angry stage.  not,going to sugar coat it.  the thing is,that its hard to be truthful about this stage for a number of reasons.  first off, i am hoping the stage will be short lived and try to wait it through. when that doesnt work, and the anger is looming around, i dont want to worry anyone else, so i keep quiet.  ignoring it, not working through it.  which makes it stick around longer than it needs to.

today the gears switched. I just sort of acknowledged that i was angry about this situation, and a whole lot of things came to me.  funny, how i didnt have to DO anything.  just sort of sat with it for awhile, not wallowing in it, just knowing:  hey, this is where you are right now.  it may go away in a minute, i may stay around for a bit,

then I, napped a bit (my "go-to" reset), and it resolved.

Okay, thats PART of the scenario, but not the whole story. This has all been going on for a couple of days now. Today  I was telling phil what was going on.  He got out of his recliner, which was crazy in itself (because it meant dropping to his knees and crawling to me, which just highlighted a source of anger) and came over to me and held my knees while i cried.  eventually, i ran out of tears and decided to go nap.  (I swear, when he is holding me a certain way, i know that he is praying silently.  he has been doing it since the day we got married.  he was holding my knees for a bit, then we go lie down).

Before napping, he is holding me and im praying silently:

 "Lord, please give me a sign that you are here, and that you are going to take care of things, im going to give this to you.

And, if i give this to you, you can work through me to give comfort to phil.  but i kinda need to know that you are here for reals.  i kinda know it, but i need to really know it, okay?  

so, give me a sign, ill work through you cause i pretty much cant do this alone. and it wont be for me, it will be for phil. plus, he doesnt even realize that i need to have a sign to know you are here.  

Basically, You help me, so i will help him to know YOU!"  

then we napped.  have i ever mentioned how much i enjoy a good nap?  its true.

when we woke up, i said to phil, "awh man, i just realized, you were praying for me??   i should have known you were praying for me, were you?"  of course, he was-- praying for me to know that God was taking care of me. 

Well, theres my sign. i needed to know. I know now.

God has this.

its a promise.

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dont look at me that way!  i can see you nodding your head agreeing just like when i explained this to phil...but I SEE YOUR EYES.  Stop it!  it makes sense :)

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#SunShinyGrit award goes to Rick Walters today.  

feeling a touch removed from loved ones, so, ricks text and a call, drop by after work for some good conversation and dinner
(although, i think i was so excited to have someone in the house with us, i may have appeared a little manic, and talked A LOT) 

thanks for the thought, the time and the companionship.  much needed and much appreciated. way to BE THE SUNSHINE!
it really meant a ton to us both, lifted spirits, spring to our step, warm and fuzzy.  thanks for coming by today, Rick!  love ya!

got some grit about him, too.  goes with the flow, grandkids multiplying like wildfire, working and commuting halfway across the country on some days.

"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine."

                 Anthony J. D'Angelo

"lets rock this with some #SunShinyGrit"

                                               me, just now